What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? But dont participate; it will be your death. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! They must really be bad; they'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large! That's a good combination! I think that speaks for itself. George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeor. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. Amen and Awomen. People I can do without. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. 42. 28. The difference between left and right of center originated in the French parliament. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. They dont mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. Disgusting that people still make that argument that we can never cut defense but we can cut education. "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? 40. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. ' Avoid teams at all cost. I hate groups of people but I love individuals. But what's the alternative? 32. That would make a "He-man" an "It-person." Thank God for that. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. (. A comedian can say things that you may not want to hear but need to. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. Plus he knocked up your daughter. The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Let's get started! They call them the. Now, you come along, and pray for something. You see all, sooner or later. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? I love the freedoms we used to have. The planet doesn't need that. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? George Carlin was one of the most iconic comedians of all time and he had a lot to say about government. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37. From a distance so I can see it all. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. George Carlin, 33. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Selling is legal. The truth is, we don't have people like that. That is against their interests. Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. At least he's honest about being, Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Thats the problem., I call him Governor Bush because thats the only political office hes ever held legally in this country., Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance., Forget the politicians. 5. In this blog post, well take a look at some of Carlins most famous quotes on government. I gave up on this stuff. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. Isn't that nice? a few weeks ago, comedy at its best pushes our buttons and challenges our ways of thinking. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Not always. It was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. Yeup, sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize the government doesn't give a fuck about them. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin, 64. It's ridiculous! If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. 25. Garbage in, garbage out. Forget the politicians. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an agnostic. "Land of the Free," "Home of the Brave," "The American Dream," "All men are equal," "Justice is blind," "The Press is free," "Your vote counts," "Business is honest," "The good guys win," "The police are on your side," "God is watching you," "Your standard of living will never decline" and "Everything is going to be just fine:" the official national bullshit story. 50 The Alchemist Quotes To Make You Follow Your Dreams, 195 Best Cobra Kai Quotes (Seasons 1 5), 70 Attack On Titan Quotes That Will Inspire Greatness, 37 The Lion King Quotes Filled With Powerful Life Lessons, Your email address will not be published. I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, 46. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. It's a Divine Plan. It sounds like this: What, they have bigger dicks? Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." RT @WideAwake444: Government doesn't care about you. Well, they don't want you to get an infection! Banana Republic ran out of khakis? What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. Because theres no money in that problem. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! ""I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. Nah. Use your fucking heads! It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. You ever watch golf on television? 12. "All of you over here, you seven? And besides telling you things you shouldnt say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; Heres something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; heres something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; heres something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 oclock when the bells ring. Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying. Original music by Dan Powell and Marion Lozano . When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me. Period. So, we must be clear about our expectations for government and its role in our lives. That's generally been true. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin, 51. Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.. People don't believe that! Dont look for it. The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. George Carlin, 66. ""Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. Because chickens are decent people. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? What do you want Him to do? Happens to work. But where do people think these politicians come from? change. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! [] I look at war a little bit differently. And the supreme arrogance? The planet will take care of itself. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. George Carlin, 70. This is the best we can do folks. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin, 47. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain We grew. Here's what happened: I give you my revised list of the Two Commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you're a winner! You don't wait thirty years. A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed. Enjoy! Every single person, you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? You voted them in. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi! Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! Theres a humorous side to every situation. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? And the supreme arrogance? Change His plan? They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the. You know, why should it be illegal to sell something thats perfectly legal to give away? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. They want obedient workers. You have owners. It will not be with jack-boots. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. Of course, I wouldn't abandon the religious theme completely. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Northwood University Staff Directory, Catfish Mike And Caroline Where Are They Now, Simon Cowell House Malibu, Articles G